Beach Comforts

There are two really good comforts while walking the beach. Let me amend that. There are three.
Peanut M&M's.
A good cry.
And a dog.

It was an M&M kind of walk a couple of days ago.....where I lolly-gagged, scavenged around the tidal debris, popping the nuggets into my mouth as I poked around, soaking in the sun, the sounds.....ruminating. An M&M moment is carefree and chocolaty.....simple, childlike pleasures. This morning I found the torn edge of the M&M packet in my pocket as I searched for a tissue. I didn't expect to need a tissue this morning as I started out. I didn't expect anything.....but the crying just came out of nowhere.

Well, maybe somewhere. Yesterday, in my not-a-care-in-the-world spontaneity I stopped by Mo's restaurant, spoke to the assistant manager, and applied for a cashier/hostess position. She called me back. I have a 2 p.m. appointment with her today. And I have a lot of odd feelings.

Yesterday, I felt really smug, delighted.....like, hey Carol, that's a courageous thing to do - you went for it, seized the moment, stepped outside the box, didn't over-think it, etc., etc......all those gazillion self-motivating cliches rah-rahhing me on. Why not? Maybe it can lead to something permanent. Something that eventually supports a chance to really live here, long term. Like, forever. Then you could get your 4WD, your dog, connect to the local life....have a life. Sounds really good. Do-able.

Then later, as I'm sitting on the couch watching the Beaver/Duck civil war game on TV (while unconsciously surfing animal shelter websites on my laptop in my dreamy dog-gooeyness), I all of a sudden feel, dumb. So, Carol.....this is what all that education and school loan payments are about? Sure, this beach life is peace-able, uncluttered, slow.....oh god, it's slow, like deep, gorgeous breaths.....it's simple, M&M simple. But, how in the world is this sustainable? A cashier/hostess? What about health care? What about job satisfaction? (Oh, this is hilarious, like I can afford to be picky.) What about, what about....? My mind's racing at bedtime - again.

So, as I'm walking the beach this morning, I settle back into the idea, gingerly. Just look around you, Carol. It's ridiculous not to try. Just try. You don't have to build a whole future out of one step. Just take one step. For today. It's only today. It's not forever......

.....and that's when I started to cry.
I want to know about forever, today.

Sometimes, I'm just tired of being courageous. Tired of trusting in the day by day. I want to get lost in those M&M moments, where I haven't a care, where I am a child; where I can play, be innocent. At first, I didn't want to let my tears go....I kept choking them back. Oh, you're just feeling sorry for yourself; in comparison to how some people are suffering, this is nothing. And then I remembered something I learned from the Life After Divorce group - don't minimize your legitimate confusion and pain by comparing it. So I let it rip. Like a frustrated, frightened, freaked out child, I cried. Nice big boo-hoos.

And when I looked up, there coming toward me, waddling in the way only they can, were three, low-slung, lop-eared, tail-wagging basset hounds. And they greeted me with big luscious dog kisses as I stooped to pet them; licking and grinning in all their squat, wiggy-waggyness. And as we parted, I noticed....

.....I felt really good.